Know Thyself

I'm glad Marquis is back. I don't always agree with him but this article kicked ass. So true! Maybe if more of us came out about how we lived it would get more accepted by mainstream.

I agree this article was great. I was starting to feel like this site was overrun by women's opinions (besides MBK) so it's great to have a man's voice again.

I'm glad to have Marquis back as well. He's a brilliant writer and an interesting character.

I agree this article was great. I was starting to feel like this site was overrun by women's opinions (besides MBK) so it's great to have a man's voice again.

-sundance

omg no that came out wrong. sorry man!

Thank you and I look forward to the discussion. 
Much adoration.
Rainbow

Thanks for the welcome back everyone.

I'm excited to be a part of TF again.

I am very grateful for the suggestion Marquis made in his last article.  It has been my hope to see safety as a topic since I started going to the site in August.  I am new to the scene… well I suppose not so new now…  and although I can understand Marquis’ criticism on how new people hide behind safety, I have a different opinion on the matter.  I agree that it is best for people to know what they want and to speak up when something happens that they don’t like.  It is essential.  But what if you don’t know what you like?  What if you don’t know what is too far?  Can safety be something you can fall back on when you don’t know?  And in our rush to claim that safety can be more lax the more experienced we are, we are possibly creating a dangerous mindset that can cause terrible results.   

To give you all a little more perspective, I’ll give you a little of my background.  I am 24, incredibly shy, and have a tendency to guard myself from letting people get close to me. One of the reasons I crave being a sub is the closeness and trust I feel for my Dom… but that realization came later.  I have had a grand total of 7 partners in my life and at the beginning of my “lifestyle journey” I truly had no clue what I liked, what turned me on, how I got off.  I didn’t own a single sex toy.  My experience with BDSM was limited to the jokes my friends teased me with (ironically they knew I was into it before I did) and a book I had read in high school that made me flush with both embarrassment and excitement. 

I am not saying I was a prude or I thought sex was dirty.  In fact I was very open about the topic.  I just never gave any personal attention to it. 

My interest was sparked by a racy story a friend sent me.  The feelings I had were so intense and amazing that I just couldn’t ignore them.  So I looked into it.  I had a friend that I knew was into the scene and his idea was to bring me to the Tampa convention and jump in.  There I found a whole new world that both excited and scared me.  I also met people that excited and scared me.   I was exposed to so much and all the sensations were so new that I really couldn’t sort anything out. 

When I returned home I was still confused.  But slowly I was able to sort some things out.  My biggest dilemma was finding people to explore my new interest with.  What I wanted were people who were experienced that could talk to me about the scene, the people, the different fetishes.  Truthfully I wasn’t ready to actually do anything yet and I wish that I had realized that then.  But I was excited and filled with a lust for life that I had never felt before.

I went out with a couple I had met through my friend.  I liked them both very much and was hoping to get to know them, thinking that these two were exactly what I was looking for.  I had a vague concept of the “rules”; I knew the universal safe words, I was nearly 100% certain that I was not into blood.  The conversation did cover likes and dislikes, but at the time I couldn’t really voice much, just my vague conceptions. 

After one drink, I was drunk.  I don’t remember driving to their apartment, but I found myself there posed with the question of playing.  I wanted to know more, but was this the situation I wanted to be in?  My memories of that night are misty.  I know I did things that I had never done before, many things that I didn’t know if I was comfortable with.  I remember feeling detached at times while other times the feelings were so intense I couldn’t breath.  There were times I was certain I wanted what was happening.  But mostly I was scared.  For the most part I had no idea what was going on.  I didn’t know what was expected, I didn’t know what I wanted, and I couldn’t think clearly enough to even realize I didn’t know.  I was a mess.

I realize that more than just the topic of safety is involved in this case.  

 
So what am I saying about safety?  It is important.  On both sides of the fence, whether you are experienced or not.  Be honest with those you play with, respect their experience and their wishes for safety.  If they don’t have rules or don’t’ know them, maybe you should play by them anyways.  I like to say you can hurt me all you want just do no harm.

Hi RedRobin. Thanks for these comments and for sharing your story.

I'm not sure if you're looking for a response or an outside perspective, but I'd like to offer you mine and hope it may be of some benefit to you.

Robin, one thing that seems recurrent throughout your article is a state of confusion, indecisiveness and helplessness in the face of overwhelming emotions, sensations and people. While giving up control is at the very epicenter of what we do, that control must be there in the first place or there isn't really a power exchange at all.

I'm having a bit of trouble connecting what you're saying here with the issue of safety, which I suppose follows suit with my article. It does sound like you could've benefited by taking more precautions in this situation and in the future, but the biggest issue is you are going to have to find your own balance between how much you want to be overwhelmed by a dominant force and how much you want to control what happens when you play.

There is nothing shameful about retaining some control. The most sincere Total Power Exchange relationships are extraordinarily rare and are certainly not established quickly or easily. Lord Acton famously said, "Power tends to corrupt. Absolute power corrupts absolutely." If you are going to put yourself in positions where you are placing total control in the hands of the other party, they are going to do whatever pleases them.

I hope that you can keep one thing in mind. The reason that most of us came to seek out BDSM in the first place is because we believe it can offer us something that the vanilla world cannot. It is important to remember then, that ultimately, your experiences within the lifestyle should bring you happiness. It is even more important to remember that just like everyone else in the lifestyle and everywhere, you deserve happiness and have every right to make your happiness the highest priority in your own life.

I think Marquis made a lot of very good points here.

I have to add one that I was taught long ago by a very good friend. Alcohol and play to do not mix well. If you've been indulging, hold off on any new, intense play... You could end up badly hurt and/or regretting your decisions.... as it seems you've done.

Being overwhelmed by a Dominant is one of the most incredible experiences a sub can ever have. Truly giving over power is what we all crave... but it takes finding that someone you trust absolutely in order to do so.  I personally could not do it without knowing the Dom I give myself to has my best interest, health, and sanity at heart. I trust absolutely in his ability to judge how much I can take. He's taken me the brink and beyond a few times... but never so far that I couldn't reassemble afterwards. And that in my mind is what it's all about.

And remember... when you say "you can hurt me all you want but just do no harm"... that's different for everyone. I don't mind bruises, bite marks, scars, tears, abject humiliation as long as the Dom dishing it out is MY Dom of MY choosing. And limits are different for everyone. You need to qualify what "hurt me but do no harm" means... to you ... and then express it to whomever is doing the hurting.

Lilwhip off her soap box now. :)

Like I said, I am aware that more than just "safety" was the issue with my experience.  And I have come a long way from the "state of confusion, indecisiveness and helplessness in the face of overwhelming emotions, sensations and people."  I simply wanted to share an experience and point out some consequences of ignoring the rules.  I agree whole-heartedly with Lilwhip that alcohol and play don't mix.  Actually that was a rule I had and it was ignored on that night.  In fact I remember telling the couple I didn't feel comfortable playing while I was drunk.  Perhaps you can say shame on me for not being more adamant about that but keep in mind I was so drunk that I couldn't remember getting to the apartment in the first place.  I have learned control and how much I like to give to my Dom. I later found a Dominant that I could trust completely that did have my best interest at heart.  Without his understanding and love I would never have retruned to the lifestyle.  You are right, Marquis, about "if you are going to put yourself in positions where you are placing total control in the hands of the other party, they are going to do whatever pleases them."  But I never gave total control to them.  It was taken from me.  I do hold myself responsible for the position I ended up in but I also hold the couple responsible for taking advantage of the situation.  And that is what I was refering to when I wanted to make a point about safety.  I think Marquis missed my point.  Just because someone doesn't know whast their limits are doesn't mean you can do whatever you want.

RedRobin, please understand that nothing I'm saying is meant to minimize the importance of your feelings or downplay the pain this experience obviously brought you. I appreciate you sharing your experience, I am merely debating the underlying message with you.

You say that you are trying to point out the consequences of ignoring the rules, but I'm unclear about what rules you're talking about. There is no standardized rule book to follow in BDSM, or any other relationship. BDSM is not an NCAA sport or a game of Dungeons and Dragons. The only rules are those negotiated and agreed upon by the people playing together.

Funny that you should bring up not mixing alcohol and play. While the founder of our website agrees with you here, there are many within the culture who do not. Just last night I was at the monthly meeting for SPICE, the local BDSM group, while they were debating whether or not to move meetings and play parties to a new location. One of the major issues being discussed was that the new location would not have a bar or serve liquor. In this group of highly experienced players, there are those that choose to drink and play and those that do not.

The only example you bring up of a rule being broken is that you expressed discomfort playing while you were drunk and then did it anyway. If the couple restrained, forced, intimidated or coerced you into playing after this, then what happened is a crime and you should contact the authorities.

If you merely assented to playing while drunk after saying that you were uncomfortable with it, then saying that "they took control from you" sounds like you're still avoiding personal responsibility.

If it seems like I'm taking this a bit personally, it is because I have seen Dominants on the other end of this situation and it is a raw deal. Sub-coddling is a common practice among the horny, lonely doms that often populate our scene and will say and do anything to get some female attention.

I don't do that. I think that before we are doms and sub, we are all people with equal rights and responsibilities. It seems very important for you to see yourself as a victim in this situation and I don't think that is healthy for you or fair to the people that you played with. Doms and subs relish taking on the sinister/victim roles within play and relationships, but those are not healthy ways to self-identify outside of the BDSM headspace. While I have always enjoyed playing the sinister role in my BDSM activities and relationships, I do not see myself as a "bad person" and would resist the attempts of others to identify me as such. We have come too far in this scene to prove to ourselves and the world that we are NOT really a group of victims and predators for me not to make this point strongly now.

No where in your story do I see a moment's consideration given to the feelings of the people you played with. Have you considered where they were "coming from" that night, or how they dealt with it afterwards?

I am glad to see that you have moved on from this incident, to a new Dominant and a better understanding of your preferences. One thing that comes up all too often in our society is people make wild assumptions about what its like to be a dom or a sub, or to play, based on a very limited number of experiences. Every relationship, every player and every session is different.

I tend to be more on the edgier side of things, particularly for my age. More than once I have had people imply that I am unsafe or immorral based on my tastes. I offer them a very simple solution.

Find someone else to play with.

 I knew we disagreed about this issue before but I was surprised at your response to my initial post.  I tried to keep the details out of it because I did take into account how the couple felt about that night.  I thought that we had reached an understanding on both sides.  You only say that I am playing the victim here because you see nothing wrong with that night or feel that it was my own responsibility (something that I did acknowledge, maybe you should re-read).  And please stop assuming you know me.  It is quite apparent that you do not.  For the rest of you reading this thread I am sorry that this post was off the topic.  I won't be posting anymore.

I don't pretend to know you, my responses were based only on what you've presented here and my own experiences.

I'm sorry that you won't be posting anymore but I think it's important to be truthful in my opinions and not tell people what I think they want to hear.

Not more than a few weeks since I wrote this article, I received this letter from leather writer Jack Rinella announcing his candidacy to run for state congress in Illinois. It's like I have magic powers, I know.

In any case, I will be doing everything I can to support him and I hope all of you will consider doing the same.

Backing My Words With Action
By Jack Rinella

During a union meeting in early March a fellow instructor turned to me and said “You ought to run for public office.” That off-hand remark sent me soul-searching, thinking, and seeking the counsel of trusted friends, bringing me to the conclusion that there was merit to the idea. I am, after all, disgusted with the unethical and greed-driven politics that surround me.

Subsequent research turned up many facts and many challenges, the conclusion of which is that I have  announced that I am a candidate for State Representative in District 40, Chicago.

Why such a decision?

For years I have written about the necessity of being authentic. I have extolled transparency, honesty, and trustworthiness. I have suggested actions that I felt would benefit our community. I have urged you, my readers, to be activists according to your particular situation and abilities. The time is right for me to put my actions where my mouth has been.

I believe that my neighbors are ready to vote for change, specifically for reform-minded candidates willing to buck the status quo of corrupt Illinois politics. I believe that if honest men don’t run for office, the dishonest ones will win by default. I believe that I have a moral obligation to be part of the much-needed clean-up as well as the talent and drive to succeed.

Yes, this is a formidable challenge. I am mindful of the mud that will be slung, the need for resources well beyond my own capability of raising, and the apparent power of the status quo. Machine politics in Illinois in general and Chicago in particular present a formidable obstacle to reform and renewal.

My life experiences, many of them shared with you, have prepared me for such a task. I have extensive speaking experience, a significant number of potential supporters, and the necessary education and credentials to run a credible campaign.

My most recent life experiences: teaching, union work, and writing about healthy human sexuality demonstrate my talents and provide a framework for continued service in the political realm.

Seventeen years of being a college instructor makes me intimately aware of the educational needs in our state, needs often legislated and funded by state government. Twelve years of union activism have sharpened my organizational and negotiation skills, talents needed by any successful politician. I have honed my speaking skills, first in the pulpit and secondly at our workshops and seminars, so that I am both comfortable and accomplished in that role.

It still remains that running for office is no easy task. Look at it in terms of needs. I have to introduce myself to a constituency that has never heard of Joe Laiacona (my real name), establish my credibility as a candidate both through an acceptable platform and the financial backing needed to win, enlist a hundred volunteers, collect 3,000 signatures to assure my placement on the ballot in February, 2010, and raise some $300,000 to have the war chest estimated to be necessary to win.

The list of immediate needs is daunting: campaign manager, fund raiser, file the necessary reports, enlist those volunteers, raise seed money to establish my credibility, research the issues and the opposition, create a platform and write position papers, promotional literature, fund-raising letters, and website content. That’s not all, of course. There’s enlisting friends to hold house parties and benefits, and to spend time campaigning with and for me. Can you think “$50,000 in two months” or “25 house parties in four months?”

You probably noticed that I wrote that I have “a significant number of potential supporters.” Did you realize that I meant you? It’s a fact that “seed money” for any venture comes from family and friends. Who else knows and trusts me well enough to contribute?

Though I will first represent my district, there is no way that I can deny my participation in alternative sexuality. Yes, my writing will be an issue (think mud-slinging) but one for which I believe I can give both credible and enlightening answers. But before I go further, it’s only fair to tell you my basic platform:

•    I favor transparency in all governmental activities, disclosure of all politically-related financial transactions, and limits on contributions to and among those involved in politics.

•    We cannot legislate good ethics but we can institute curbs on the actions that make political corruption financially and socially rewarding.

•    I support state-wide equality in educational funding so that every child has the benefit of excellence in education.

•    Our health care systems and the insurance systems that largely pay for them must be made available to all citizens.

•    I believe in progressive taxation so that those with the ability to pay do so fairly while a lesser burden falls on those who can least afford it. We need to reduce bureaucracy where we can and reward efficiency whenever we find it.

•    Sound pension funds for state employees are a fundamental right and a wise investment. They attract the best and the brightest to our classrooms and our state services.

•    Small businesses are the life-blood of our economy. State government can and should positively influence the success of our economic life but where meddling only deters economic growth, it ought to leave well enough alone.

•    We have a moral and ethical obligation to protect the environment and repair the earth of the effects of pollution and greed. I support a healthy state park system, controls on poisonous emissions, and incentives to develop sustainable sources of clean energy.

•    I support immigration reform that creates respect for the law, recognizes the invaluable contribution that immigrants bring to our state, and the rights of all legal immigrants to a fair method of attaining citizenship.

What I’m asking you to do is contribute and volunteer.

Any contribution you can give, even as little as $5.00 represents support for my campaign. It is just as important to have a high number of donors as it is to have high amount donated. Yes, the $100, $500 and $1,000 donations are vitally necessary, but every dollar counts, especially in the early days of a campaign.

Anyone can volunteer. You don’t have to be in Chicago to help. Organize a fund-raiser where you live, tell your Chicago-based friends about my campaign, come here between Aug and November to work a few days on my behalf. Ask your groups to pass the hat, write a check, announce my candidacy in their newsletters. Post it on your newsgroups. Add a link from your  website to mine (www.FriendsForJoeLaiacona.org).

You can find me on face book as Joseph Laiacona, on Fet Life as Jack Rinella. For more information visit my website. Just remember that it’s a work in progress and I need you to be part of my effort. Thanks for listening and please wish me well.

Have a great week. You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com where you can subscribe to this column and receive it weekly. Copyright 2009 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

To contribute now, go to http://pleaseContribute.com/7689

very cool

I think this is so important. It's a big step for public officials to openly embrace kink. Our nation's taboo on sexuality is ridiculous. Marquis I loved your article and look forward to reading many more.

Thanks afernandez!